i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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