i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
