Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize