He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
