Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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