there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
