I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
