Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
