Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
