It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
