I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize