i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize