Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
