I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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