My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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