You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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