She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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