Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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