Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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