biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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