I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
