I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
