Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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