uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
