dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize