I accidentally burped into my bong.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
