Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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