Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
