why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
