2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
