I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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