epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
