I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
