halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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