$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
