hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
