"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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