So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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