yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
