god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
