This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
