Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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