Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
