hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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