I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
