it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
