my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
