can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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