the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
