im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
