From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
