Will you blow on my dice?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
