im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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