I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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