Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
