Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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