Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
