I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
