Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize