You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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