i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
